Slutscapades

This is the first in a series of monthly humorous sex-ed columns. This article was originally published by Exotic Magazine, which you can find at xmag.com Sometimes my columns are quite personal, they are always pretty tongue-in-cheek. If you have anything you'd like to see me write about, let me know by emailing EugeneSexology@gmail.com

I lost my job a few years back, and so like most people in that situation, I was spending a lot of time masturbating. Between watching dogging compilations (where a young woman picks up strangers in a park) and a Japanese gameshow, where young men compete to try to identify their "mothers" and "sisters" by the taste of their cunts, I realized I needed to give my life a long, hard look.

I remembered a poster in my high school hallway stating, "Take what you love and turn pro!" Confusingly, the poster featured a ballerina, a basketball player and a rollerblader, none of which seem like viable career options for the average high school student. Personally, I always thought we should encourage kids to love more practical things like serving in restaurants and doing construction. But I suddenly saw the wisdom in that poster and wondered, "Is there a way I could legitimately spend all day watching pornography?"

So I went to graduate school.

If you didn't already know, graduate school is a sort of academic circle jerk anyway. You have to pleasure the right dicks by stroking their egos. After you pay them to do their research for them, you ejaculate an original dissertation, and get rewarded by having your advisors steal your ideas to further themselves. For this, you're supposed to feel grateful.

As for myself, my graduate school experience was more of a circle jerk in the literal sense of the word. As in, I touched a lot of penises, and had orgasms in front of strangers. But because I paid them, instead of the other way around, I'm now known as a doctor of human sexuality.

I'm a clinical sexologist. Some people would call me a "sex therapist", but for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to associate myself with "real" therapists. I'm pretty sure it's because "real" therapists are just jealous.

After years of excruciating work to become certified, most therapists still struggle to find clients. All I did was announce on Facebook that I was going to study sex, and people started coming to me (so to speak.) And that's not all! I can hug my patients after I tell them they're ok, and if we want to, we can get naked together and talk about our bodies in front of a mirror--none of which would be allowed in the stuffy therapy profession.

I also do bodywork, but I'm not a massage therapist, because I get to touch people's genitals. I'm not a prostitute either, and you can tell because I don't make as much money as a prostitute.

Although I get to experience a unique combination of nudity, erotic touch and emotional connection for money, my primary function as a sexologist is to assure people that their fetishes aren't weird.

Dear readers of Exotic Magazine, I want to tell you that as long as your sex play is safe, sane and consensual, there is nothing wrong with you! Embrace pleasure!

I don't care if you're dressing up in diapers and bibs before you fuck teddy bears, or if you pay somebody to tie up your dick until it turns purple (but only until it turns purple, mind you, keeping it that way would no longer be safe.) If you enjoy fucking teddy bears, FUCK MORE TEDDY BEARS! And don't be afraid to share it with somebody you love.

"Hey honey, I know of something immensely sexual you've probably never even done before."

"Ooh, baby, tell me what it is!"

"Well, first you shove this teddy bear into a condom, and then you stuff it up your ass. It feels incredible, you wouldn't even believe it."

There are several ways the conversation might go from here. But if you've got a fun, adventurous, pleasure-seeking partner, the optimal response will be, "Hell yeah! I hadn't ever thought of stuffing a condom-wrapped teddy bear into my ass!" Or at the very least we could hope for a, "I'm not so sure I'd like that. But if you like it, baby, here. Let me help you stuff it in your ass."

If you really want to try stuffing a teddy bear in your ass, do beware. Anal play works best when your asshole is stretched out slowly, carefully. For maximum comfort, I recommend a toy that starts small and grows in girth. And unless your toy is flared at the base (a barrier to keep the toy from spontaneously being sucked inside), you might just lose it up there.

Incidentally, a fun afternoon can be spent googling x-ray images of weird things up people's asses, then trying to figure out how they got them in, and what it felt like as they did it.

(See, for instance, http://gizmodo.com/the-site-where-doctors-go-to-share-x-rays-of-weird-thin-1683821760)

In the case of a teddy bear, raise the bear's arms above its head so it's diving in with optimal hydrodynamics, then try adding tennis shoes to the bear's feet. You'll know you've gone far enough when you're kicking yourself in the ass.

Look forward to hearing more from me in the future, as I attempt to share my sexological knowledge with you in a fun, pleasure-positive, shame-free way. If you want to know more about a topic, suggest it to me. If you have questions about sex, don't be embarrassed! The juicier the question, the more I'll love to answer it.

Again, my only real concerns about sex play are about safety, consent, and sanity. So if you're wondering about something innovative and want to make sure it's safe, send your questions my way. (And yes, my interest is partly a voyeuristic attempt to learn about your sexual creativity, so I can try it at home.)

If you are unsure if you have consent for your actions, you do not have consent. But I can talk to you about how to pitch your ideas in the most crowd-friendly way, how to pick up on people at a bar without seeming like a creep, or how to communicate clearly about limits and safewords.

If you are questioning your sanity, however, you might want to talk to a real therapist. But keep in mind, they can't hug you goodbye.

#slutscapades #fetish #kink #teddybear