Wet: Female Ejaculation

In my second humor column (two pages) for Exotic Magazine, things get pretty serious.

Not all vulva owners identify as a woman; not all penis owners identify as a man. Gender doesn't come in only two flavors, but unfortunately, language is frequently limiting. Here's a shout out to my non-gender-binary friends, and an apology for the limitations imposed on me by language and word limits.

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The first time I masturbated to orgasm, I peed all over myself and my bed. Or so I thought at the time. Because I was so ignorant about my own body, as a result of growing up in a society that has systematically removed information about female pleasure from medical textbooks, it wasn't until decades later that I realized the truth: lost in the throes of my first orgasm, I had ejaculated on the bed.

The first time I came was the first time I had indulged in the damning sin of touching my vulva (a word I didn't know existed at the time, for body parts I had only ever touched for hygiene reasons). The lingering, late-night, channel-flipping pauses on Cinemax After Dark had finally gotten the better of me, and as soon as I allowed myself to comfort my tense, burning genitalia, there was no turning back. I had no idea what was coming! I lost my mind in exploration and when I unexpectedly exploded and felt myself peeing all over the bed, I didn't mind, but from then on I took care to make sure it didn't happen again. That much was easy; every time I felt the tension like I had to pee, I clenched myself up and held it in. The hard part came later, when I realized that for over a decade I'd been holding in not pee, but ejaculation, and I had to re-train my muscles and mind to allow myself the freedom to squirt.

For a phenomenon that's been repeatedly documented as far back as ancient Greece, the reality of female ejaculation is strangely contested. Unfortunately, because female pleasure was so taboo in Victorian England, medical textbooks systematically removed the information, and over time, society taught women not to squirt. Women who displayed pleasure were shamed and squirting became a fabled mystery. The raging waters of female ejaculation were dammed. (Female lubrication in general was probably seen as odd, since women were never expected to enjoy sex.)

Female ejaculation is real. But you, dear readers, my fellow lovers of erotica, have already seen plenty of video proof (if not real life) of this phenomenon.

Every person can ejaculate, but like not every man has a pornstar super soaker in his pants, not every vulva owner will squirt across the room. If you're really interested in developing this skill, just spend 30 minutes, three times a week on the Kegel-master at your local gym! (Caution: start your weight lifts at no more than 20 lbs! Extra Caution: Don't actually try to attach weights to your genitals, and the Kegel-master doesn't really exist.)

Here's some fodder for your next battle of the sexes: the default sexual development of a fetus is female. As in, every fetus starts out developing into a woman. It is only with the presence of enough testosterone that the genitals get fused together and turn out instead of in. If you thought it was a Y chromosome that made a penis, you were wrong! If a genetic male has an abnormality that makes them unable to process testosterone, they will be born with a vulva despite the Y chromosome, and will develop breasts later in life. Gender fuck!

I'm not sure if this means women are supreme because vulvas and breasts are nature's default, or if men are superior because they're women + testosterone. Discuss amongst yourselves.

I'm telling you this because I want to make it clear that, unless a person has a serious genetic aberration, every person has the same genital tissues; they're just put together in different ways. We call these homologous organs. They're the same tissues, but they do different things. So there is no part of a male anatomy that doesn't exist in some form in a female anatomy.

Instead of a helmet on the end of a stick, vulvas have a woman in a boat and the luscious banks of the river on which she rides. You probably knew that the clit is the equivalent of a penis head, but did you know that women get boners in their vaginal tissue--the walls of their temple? Did you know both men and women have a prostate?

Every woman can ejaculate, but not every woman realizes it. You've all heard of the G spot (unfortunately associated with a male researcher). This spongy tissue surrounds the urethra and is most easily touched from inside the vagina (but pressure through anal entrance is fun too!) That's the prostate. As a woman gets more and more turned on, all her sexual organs swell. Swelling comes from blood being held hostage in the genitals. More blood in the tissue means more water in the prostate, and more ejaculate waiting to be released.

Despite anatomy and logic, another controversy remains: is she really just squirting pee? As you may have seen on The Internet, the latest "science" insists she is. Researchers did chemical analysis of the fluid, and ultrasounds of the pelvises of seven women (I'm inclined to think these researchers might not have had very good social skills if they could only recruit seven volunteers. I call sample bias!)

Although this study admits that the female prostate makes unique fluid, it claims squirting (across the room, filling a cup squirting) is urine, partially based on the fact that the ultrasounds showed the bladder filling up, even though the woman peed right before she started masturbating.

What the study fails to explain is that the prostate is connected to the bladder (just like the male version.) This helps explain why women who don't ejaculate also don't just expand like balloons in their crotch; when women don't allow their bodies to express the fluid build-up, orgasmic spasms push that fluid up into the bladder instead.

As anybody who has intimate experience with female ejaculation can tell you, that clear salty substance is not pee. It smells different, it tastes different, it feels different. But let's get real; there might be a little urea in there. See, pee is a combination of bodily waste that builds up over time. Urea is the main component of pee. But female ejaculate has a whole lot more going on. Fluid might be going in between the prostate and the bladder, as the study's ultrasounds show. Female ejaculation might possibly contain some of the same chemicals. But so the fuck what? Urea, and urine, are nontoxic. Yes, folks, it's safe to drink each other's pee if you're into it! And you're down there anyway, hopefully licking all over the place.

News flash! If you've licked any kind of genitals, you've licked some pee. Deal with it. The vagina contains millions (or is it billions?) of bacteria, but not as many as a mouth! So when a woman lets you lick her cunt, she's actually doing your mouth a favor by allowing it to come in contact with her utopian colonies of bacteria and antibiotic urine.

And now that I've tricked you into learning history, science and anatomy: the information you actually care about knowing! How to make yourself squirt (also applicable to lovers of women, but I care more about a woman's relationship with herself.)

It's easier than you might realize. The squirting recipe is simple: Three parts sexual excitement: take your time to build desire, explore your body, wait until your pussy is throbbing; one part firm pressure, applied directly to the G-spot with consistency (dildos with angled nubs on the end are designed to G-spot stimulation)--your preferred speed and pressure might vary, so experiment!; and two parts sheer will of the squirter.

Squirting is a combination of pushing the Kegel muscles to eject the fluid and relaxing the urethral muscles to let the liquid out. The ejaculate travels from the prostate into your urethra, and as it comes out, it feels just like peeing. Relax; despite what The Internet claims, you are not peeing. If you're worried about this, play with yourself in private after you've already gone to the bathroom. Sit on top of a towel.

All women can squirt, but most don't. Like me, most women have taught themselves to hold it in because they're afraid and ashamed of what their bodies might do. That is the hydroelectric dam of male oppression. You need to blow that shit up like an eco-terrorist. Give your woman in a boat a real river to ride.