13 Random and Specific Tips for Pleasure You Actually Won't Find Elsewhere
- eugenesexology
- Jul 1, 2015
- 8 min read
Slut, noun. A person who likes sex for its own sake and doesn't give a fuck what you think about it.
To slut it up, verb: To share the pleasure of your body with whomever you please.
Whenever I see another article of sex tips come through my various social medias, I can't help but click on it. I'm attached to the idea that somebody will teach me something revolutionary, something life changing, something easy I've never thought of before. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I haven't learned anything from any of those articles in years, but I never stop clicking. There's plenty about sex on the internet, in case you're confused. There are tips about how to give better oral sex, how to connect to people on a more passionate level, and a million versions of the same bullshit article about how to become better at sex. Actually understanding and implementing these tips, however, takes real-life experience and exploration, which is where I come in.
As a professional sexologist and sexological bodyworker, it is a part of my job to teach people to discover pleasure in their bodies. I am a hands-on pleasure educator and help empower and explore. So when I found out that this month's theme was hedonism, I knew I had to write an article giving concrete tips for pleasure. How to make it unique would be the challenge.
Here are the most randomly specific tips I could muster:
1. Have a circumcised penis? Consider foreskin restoration.
Safe, easy, and only mildly uncomfortable, foreskin restoration might just be the new sex craze you've been waiting for. It's well-documented that circumcised penises have less sexual pleasure, due to exposing the nerve-filled glans to air and friction all day every day. (Imagine how it would feel to cut off your eyelid or lips. Imagine the lifelong consequences to your organs.) In fact, circumcision in modern culture originated as a way to stop boys and men from masturbating (not just icky or weird, masturbation was seen as a sign and cause of mental illness.)
Be ye not dismayed! If you have had your genitals cut, even as an infant, you can actually regrow foreskin, adding protection and lubrication to the eye of the cyclops (that's what dudes call their penises, right?)
A variety of devices can be bought on the internet and they rely equally on two simple tactics: pushing and pulling. Basically, you attach a plastic clip to the remaining foreskin, and push a plastic penis cap down. The resulting tension pulls the foreskin and encourages new growth.
It might take months or years, but a little bit of a plastic device tugging on your foreskin can, in fact, change the tissue on your penis, add new skin to your penis, and enhance your sexual pleasure in the long run.
2. Use coconut oil
That very same coconut oil you use in your kitchen is my personal favorite for massage and lubrication. Hippies say it draws out toxins from your body, so you could appeal to your partner that way. "Hey, sweetie, I'm worried your dick is a treasure trove of toxins. Quick! Let's rub this on you before you poison yourself!" After you moisturize your partner's genitals, you can lick it off for a tasty penis colada.
3. Jiggle your fat
We're taught to be embarrassed--even ashamed--of our fat bodies, not just because of the way they look, but because having fat bodies must make us terrible people. Melarkey! You know fat bodies are a sign of extra pleasure in life, and there are innumerable ways to find carnal pleasure in them. Here's just one: Jiggle. That. Fat. The jiggling itself is pleasurable to the parts being vibrated, but if you get the right position (try twerking!), your jiggly fat will bounce and smack against your genitals in just the right way. Surprising and delightful!
4. Sensation Play--try soft and sharp
You've heard of ice cubes and hot wax, but this concept can be applied in a variety of fun ways. My personal favorite is to wear nothing but a cashmere sweater while I have sex with myself or others. Try combining this with something pokey. A Wartenberg pinwheel is a BDSM toy with sharp spikes on a wheel (apparently invented for something other than sex play?). You will be amazed by the sensation a little light touch with something sharp brings out. And if you've got a masochistic or sadistic streak, it's easy to cause some real pain with that tiny toy. (Keep your play safe and consensual, of course!)
5. Stop tolerating
Don't accept touch you don't absolutely, enthusiastically desire. Don't endure something you don't enjoy. Do learn to ask for exactly what you want. Do explore yourself first to know how and what you like. This sounds simple, but start paying attention: how often do you begrudgingly say yes in your life to things you don't really want to do? How often do you know you want something, but let it slip by because you're afraid of demanding it? Learning to ask for what you want and avoid what you don't is a revolutionary step.
6. See a therapist. Deal with your shit so your partner doesn't have to.
Furthermore, deal with your shit now, so you don't have to for the rest of your life. Do you ever find yourself checked out during sex (or life in general), like stuff is happening to you and around you, but you aren't an active participant? For a lot of people, this is related to past trauma. In an attempt to avoid feeling something bad, people turn off their feelings altogether. The bad feelings are left in their misery caves for now, but they never really go away, and your numbness doesn't leave room for much pleasure.
Maybe my best tip for finding more pleasure is to face the things that seem uncomfortable. Stare them right in their stupid, beady little eyes (in my imagination, the past traumas that haunt me look like Ewoks). Transform that cave of misery to a cave of pleasure and desire.
It helps to have professional support.
I admit, this is starting to sound just like all those cliche internet sex tips. And granted, yours truly is a professional support for sexual exploration and radical transformation. But I have to include this tip because it's bigger than all the others. This will help you feel better in all aspects of your life, not just a temporary sensation.
Even if you don't call me, call a professional you can work with to sort your shit out. By trying to avoid your pain, you're only pushing away your full acceptance of pleasure.
7. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate!
I spent this last weekend with a couple hundred other sexuality professionals at the annual conference for sex educators, counselors and therapists (AASECT). The conference was in Minneapolis, a place I never imagined visiting (sorry, Minnesotans.) But while I was pleasantly surprised on my way to and from the airport by how lovely Minneapolis seemed to be, I was too busy talking about sex with strangers to get out and enjoy the city.
With you always on my mind, dear readers (and definitely not just because I enjoy being provocative), I struck up conversations with strangers using pleasure as an ice breaker. I would say something like, "I'm writing an article for a strip club magazine about hedonism. Do you have any unique tips for finding pleasure?"
Guess what. Every single one of the dozens of people I asked about pleasure immediately started talking about masturbation. Although conversations sometimes eventually turned existential ("What is pleasure, really? Is pleasure an experience of the body or of the mind?"), every single sex pro I asked (sex pros certified by a professional association, mind you) immediately responded with masturbation tips.
But we're talking radical self love here, not just "choking the bishop" (although I know I personally would find some pleasure in the destruction of religious authorities). I'm talking about holding your heart while you hold your genitals, falling in love with yourself, immersing yourself in radical self acceptance and passion.
Here are the masturbation tips from other professionals:
a. Ask other people how they masturbate
With index and middle fingers split apart like a vulva peace sign, a thumb poking through the middle as a makeshift clitoris, Buster Ross (sex columnist and Portland based sex therapist) recommended you ask other people to show you on your hand how they masturbate.
"Have other people show you how they stroke their genitals," Buster said, stroking on some larger life advice too. Talking about masturbation to friends and strangers helps you feel better about the fact that most people masturbate and love masturbating. Not only will you open yourself up so to speak to new manual tips, you'll be slowly suffocating your shame as you go.
b. The Celebration Masturbation
Why not take advantage of times you're already feeling good and include some masturbation, says Julie (forensic sexologist in California). When you're high on the glory of your own success, take a moment to touch yourself too, for a masturbation of congratulations. Sarah and her best friend Michelle had just given a presentation on sexuality in fandom culture. The timing was not lost on me, as they were reveling in their own success, I hoped they'd be taking the opportunity to pleasure themselves physically as well. This tactic can be applied any time you're feeling good about yourself and your life.
c. More screens!
"Use two screens for your porn!" ejaculated an energetic, 40-something, handsome queer guy whose name I forgot to write down. A friend had given him that tip years ago, and it was apparently a game changer.
d. Map your body
I challenge you to take a masturbation session to touch yourself on every single square inch of your body. And don't just brush over it, really take the time to linger and explore. Use different types of touch, different speeds, different textures. Learn your body, feel your body, know your body. For instance, have you ever stopped to consider how erotic your
e. Masturbate while you work
"Working from home provides ample opportunity for masturbation," smirked full-time mom, author and sex educator Sarah Swofford. I would extend this to assert that most everyone can find a few minutes here or there to pleasure themselves at work. It might mean locking yourself in the bathroom or supply closet, or maybe it's just some inconspicuous muscle contractions and rocking in your chair. But of course, people from home have an easier time. Even if (or maybe especially if) you're feeling completely overwhelmed, demand some time from yourself, for yourself. It'll boost your overall quality of life and help you focus afterward.
Warning: Please don't get yourself fired from masturbating in public.
f. Embrace being selfish
This has already been covered in my advice to "stop tolerating" and the emphasis on masturbation in general that came from all the sex pros I asked, but it is worth stating again. Loving your body is a good thing! Taking time for yourself, regardless of the context, and setting healthy boundaries are of utmost importance to your ability to enjoy your life.
Explore yourself. Educate yourself. Empower yourself. Prioritize your pleasure and have fun finding your own unique pleasure tips. When you do, I hope you'll share them with me!
Dr. Helen Shepard is a clinical sexologist and sexological bodyworker in Eugene. She can help you explore and embrace pleasure, learn to identify and communicate what you want, and face your shit so you can finally move on. She can be reached at Slutscapade@gmail.com
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